To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
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chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.