Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
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[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?