If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
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ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Dolls on drugs
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”