Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳