Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
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HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth