A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
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I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Okay, I’m still confused…
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.