I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
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me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
#oldknees
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.