I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
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Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.