I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Customize Your Wedding.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
LA today:
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
This could’ve been an email.