[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
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I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Your secret is safeish with me
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.