Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
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Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Are we there yet?…
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
It’s a gift
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?