At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
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If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Potatoes were such a good idea