A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
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The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
🤣
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.