My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
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If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team