5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions