There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
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[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
see you in hell you stupid fruit
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying