*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Broom by every window for quick escape.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers