*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
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Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
no one ever comes back
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.