Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
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Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.