Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
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Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’