If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
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Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Succinctly put.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?