My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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I’d love this before and after shot…lol
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
British websites use biscuits.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.