A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
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Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
それは草
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.