Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
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The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me when my alarm goes off
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”