“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
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If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Something Saturday.