My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
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Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
*pronounces patio like ratio
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot