I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no