ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
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Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I’m not average. I’m mean.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
When can I start eating bats again.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?