Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
You Might Also Like
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.