Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
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date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Expect the unexporcupine.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.