“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
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When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
When I snag the last meatball.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me