Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
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Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
oh my god
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
The Sun
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT