I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
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Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
who wore it better?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?