Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
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me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
When your best mate counts as a desk too
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.