I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
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I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
😂😂😂
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Me as a therapist: omg same
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
selena gomez
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.