My birthstone is a marshmallow
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The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Monday Lisa
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I know karate and tons of other words.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.