*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
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me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Imma just leave this here…………
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account