Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
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*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
The Sun
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.