Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
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The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]