Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it