Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
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just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble