i was NOT expecting this 馃槶 watch till the end
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Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it鈥檚 gonna be close
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Lmfaoooooo
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they鈥檙e embarrassed to walk into when it鈥檚 daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Me: I feel like I鈥檓 wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Just so we鈥檙e all clear since there鈥檚 a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don鈥檛 like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don鈥檛 like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don鈥檛 like and don鈥檛 understand
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Them: You鈥檙e a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I鈥檓 hot?
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 馃ぃ馃槵馃が
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
anyone who doesn鈥檛 have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn鈥檛 been cleaned properly which he鈥檇 personally cleaned.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it鈥檚 coming from your roof.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*