If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
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I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Stonehinge
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Sunday
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir