I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
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An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.