[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
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Finally a use for spoilers…
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
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A ghost story
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Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
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Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
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I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.