*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
You Might Also Like
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Name another movie that mislead you?
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
God has left this place
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I hope they boil the right one.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.