My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
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I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Watermelon Boss!
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
fourth time’s the charm
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary: