Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
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Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
It’s an epidemic…
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”