Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
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Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Bit chilly again tonight.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
This made me chuckle.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!