[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
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[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
#JohnTravolta
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history